The Fox (a dream)

(Written 3/21/2015)

The feeling of this dream was so much like The Walking Dead….  Dread. Suspense. You could die at any moment. You had to be on your toes. Those you loved, who you thought would survive because they had it in them to survive…. you knew, they could die too.

It wasn’t JUST obvious danger either like the Zombies in The Walking Dead. It was other people trying to survive just like you. Who might be good to have around or not? You have to assume they’re not safe until you know they’re not. And you’ll probably go through some shit with them until you can be sure about that.

Then there’s cold….and bad water….and, not enough food….  All these things to think about but you don’t really think about it. There’s just no time. You can only….move….

All this shit has gone down. You’re so used to shit.

And there it is again. In the distance, you can see it coming.

At first, it was just shadows. But I could feel it. That’s what mattered. More than anything. Feeling it.

I was the leader, the reluctant one, as always.

I told them– – yelled –- to RUN. We had no choice. That was all we had.

So we ran – as quickly as we could. Silently. But so loudly inside.

And we almost got to the trees but the danger was coming too quickly. We weren’t going to make it.

So I sacrificed myself. I told them to keep running. I’d hold off the danger. I told them – to get into the trees. I knew the danger could still get them there but it was their best shot. You just have to keep trying. That’s what we always told each other.

I stood there waiting for the thing to appear. Catch up to me. It wasn’t this grand gesture I was doing. It was desperation. It was acceptance. It was that in-between spot between the two.

That feeling where you know it’s all you can do.

So they ran….. I watched them run towards the trees…. scrambling up…. And the thing was appearing….

Something had happened and nothing was the same anymore after it did. You couldn’t trust appearances. What looked harmless could be more harmful than you ever imagined. Cute could be deadly.

My people were crying. I almost told them to not watch. But it didn’t matter. This sort of thing happened all the time. But it hurt me more than anything that they were crying. I wanted to tell them it would be okay even if it wasn’t. That kind of crying…it’s just the worst sound in the world…

I closed MY eyes. I felt that would make it better somehow. The inevitable.

But through my eyelids, I could see the fox. It was enormous. The size of a good sized wolf.

I was terrified.

It sniffed intently. Dancing all around me. Like I was the best playmate it ever had.

I opened my eyes. Which was brave. Because that meant to acknowledge its’ existence and that could go either way. And at that moment, it would be very black & white.

I held out my hand. It sniffed it. And then I pet it.

And we became best friends….. not that fast but you get what I mean…

I fed it grapes. And bagels. It really liked bagels.

And that sounds really simple but it was the way it went. And I liked it.

His teeth were so sharp…. he bit me sometimes. He didn’t mean to. He was so hungry…. all the time…. I could never feed him enough… But I taught him how to eat and not bite.

I taught him how not to wreck the house. Suddenly one appeared in all of that destruction and chaos. And my fox…. he was so full of ….life…. he didn’t mean to wreck things….

He slept with me and kissed me like a cat…. and we went everywhere together….

And I remembered back to the day when I was sure he was dangerous…. and I laughed inside. Because it really could have been.

So I hold this dream tentatively against me. I really hope so.


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