If I could go back and tell my younger self a few things…I would. But since I can’t, instead, I’m going to pretend that you, the younger anorexic, are my daughter or son.
I won’t say that between the first day I “became” anorexic until this day, that there weren’t good days…. But I will say that that the anorexia colored my days.
The development of my anorexia was a recipe. A complex recipe. It wasn’t one thing that caused it. I wasn’t “pro-ana.” I didn’t even know what I was doing was even a thing. It was a coping mechanism that I fell upon “accidentally,” and while the person who blames himself was the very last reason for it…the person who had a great deal to do with its’ formation, doesn’t blame herself at all. Normally, I’d be here saying to not blame anyone, to take responsibility but I was very young.
I don’t know you. I don’t know how you became anorexic… I don’t know if you’re being abused, and if you are, I’m sorry. So sorry.
If you can’t get out of this situation…I still hope you eat. And when you do get out of this situation, I hope you eat.
Here are a few things I hope you can “take” from this recovering anorexic:
- You can’t “cleanse the world” with your attempts at being “pure.” You can’t keep the world out. People will, in fact, “touch you with their dirty hands” often. More so, if you’re female. So you’re going to need to learn how to become strong and that won’t happen through starving yourself.
- You will never be “perfect” and just because you aren’t perfect… this doesn’t mean you suck.
- You are perfect with all of your imperfections.
- You are one of the brightest. Most creative. I haven’t met a single anorexic YET that I wasn’t completely impressed with. Honest. Where do us anorexics end up? In the sciences. In the arts. Anything that we do…we excel. We have DRIVE. We’re ambitious. We’re determined. Disciplined. USE THESE CHARACTERISTICS. You can be all of them WHILE nourishing yourself with food and all kinds of good stuff.
- When I was your age, I wouldn’t believe me either. Believe me anyway. My anorexia has caused all kinds of chaos and destruction. I’ve single-handedly torn hearts out of chests. And how I did it…in the most baffling way possible. One day, you will look back and see all the paths that the anorexia created.
- Be truthful. Know that people must acknowledge the elephant (your anorexia) in the room. The ones who LOVE you won’t deny the existence of the anorexia.
- Realize that you are your worst enemy. And I hope for your sake, one day, you realize that you can take yourself out of this world once and for all. I hope this will frighten you.
- Put yourself first. It’s partially how you got here, right? Pretending you’re alright. All the time. That you’ve “got this.” Being the “perfect child.” Let people know that you are truly….drowning. Scream it if you have to.
- What are you compartmentalizing? What are you attempting to simplify with the anorexia?
- Don’t be selfless. You know what happens with years of that? You don’t even know what you LIKE. What you ENJOY doing. Don’t be a puppet. I’ve fed and waited on people in the days after my husband died. Listened to people’s problems in the very days following my husband’s death. And mowed their lawns (for free) when they came knocking on my door. Keep up your selfless ways and people will care even less because you’ll become a person who “no one has to worry about.” You’re ALWAYS strong! Is your anorexia a way to SCREAM “I’m human too!” …well, it won’t work. We become SO GOOD at doing away with naturally bodily processes (hunger) that people will consider you even less.
- Run from the people who admire your starvation. Your bones. The men who love anorexics. These are SICK people.
- Be a BADASS. In a good way. I’m telling you HOW MUCH HAPPIER YOU WILL BE when you LOVE what you LOVE and fck anyone who gets in YOUR WAY!!
Now, this is just a summary. You TELL ME what you WANT.